Priesthood and infidelity

Public forum for those seeking support for their experience in the LDS Church.
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SilentDawning
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Re: Priesthood and infidelity

Post by SilentDawning » 26 May 2017, 12:49

llamamama wrote:
21 May 2017, 06:11
I intercepted some texts between my husband and another woman about a week and a half ago. It was a Thursday, and our oldest son was supposed to be getting his endowments on Saturday. Sadly, this ain't our first rodeo... He has been mostly faithful but I'm done and I told him that. There's too much history with his temper, his neediness, his addiction. So I was pretty quick deciding that it's time for divorce. I've prayed, I've felt very calm and resolved that this is right. Here's what's bugging me: last night he got a blessing from the same friend who gave me one after I found him out. He came home to tell me that the blessing basically said that if he can really change, recover, be the whole person, that he can have me back. He said he knows we need a separation but can I give him time? Another chance? He's had 21 years of chances. I'm done. I want to get on with my life. I simply don't feel like in some distant future, I could be with him again and it irritated and hurt that he felt like he could just walk in and put that expectation on me. The other thing that's really got me is when I spoke to a member of the Stake presidency. His first piece of advice was for me to get with my "DH" and have a heart to heart. He's been working out of town and coming home on weekends for a few months while we sell our house-we just got an offer and I was about to go look for houses- This church leader seemed to think DH would have an easier time being faithful if I were closer to him geographically... Right now I feel like it's ok for me to be walked on, emotionally dragged around, humiliated. Based on the blessing he got along with the sad advice that Church leader (don't know the acronym for stake presidency counselor), that there are some pretty pathetic expectations here. Any comments, advice? If this isn't super clear let me know. I'm barely hanging on. Why am I a member of this church?

I had some advice from someone years ago at work. She knew I was having marital problems, and she said "When it's time to get a divorce, you won't be upset about it". I asked for clarification, and she said that when you no longer feel you'll miss the person in your life, it's time to move on. Sure there will be angst associated with dividing up assets, issuess associated with separation, etcetera, but she was talking about the upset associated with no longer having the person in your life. If that part of it is not angst-producing, or you even feel kind of refreshed and rejuvinated with a fresh start, it's time to move on, she said.

That struck me as a good litmus test for when to pack it in. I've wondered if I should pack it in years ago, but I thought I would still miss my wife so it wasn't time to quit.

Regarding the SP counselor -- take what they say with a grain of salt. They aren't trained marriage or individual counselors, and they are in over their head half the time. Do what makes you happy after considering the full impact on yourself, any children, etcetera. As far as the blessing goes, that blessing does not dictate your behavior in this situation It may, nor may not have been inspired.

Finally, don't let the church run interference between you and happiness. Don't automatically make decisions for church reasons that you would others NOT make if the church influence was abset. Remember, none of the people in your Ward or your the leaders you interact with have much of a stake in your life. Think of the leaders you had 20 years ago -- how many of them are a force in your life now?

That's my advice. Let the pursuit of happiness be your guide -- what will make you happiest in this situation after considering all angles -- financial, emotional, self-respect, impact on others you care about....etcetera.
"It doesn't have to be about the Church (church) all the time!" -- SD

"Stage 5 is where you no longer believe the gospel as its literally or traditionally taught. Nonetheless, you find your own way to be active and at peace within it". -- SD

The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. No price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself."

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llamamama
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Re: Priesthood and infidelity

Post by llamamama » 04 Feb 2018, 12:31

It's been a few months since I've been here and your advice still rings true. I've moved closer to my family, started school, he's here now too- living with his family. We haven't divorced yet simply because I've had so much going on and not enough money yet but I really am done. It's been 9 months and I just can't wait for this to be over. I just got a job and I will be saving for the cost of filing. He still keeps asking for more chances and telling me he's changed. :roll:
That's a really good sign that he hasn't, and I've heard it all before.Even if he did change, it's over. I hope he can change for his sake and our kids' sake. I have no desire to be married to him, I have no attraction to him. We are getting along as friends otherwise. I'm a good friend and he's turning out to be a better friend than husband. No wonder everyone likes him, they weren't married to him. Thanks for the advice.

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DarkJedi
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Re: Priesthood and infidelity

Post by DarkJedi » 04 Feb 2018, 12:40

llamamama wrote:
04 Feb 2018, 12:31
It's been a few months since I've been here and your advice still rings true. I've moved closer to my family, started school, he's here now too- living with his family. We haven't divorced yet simply because I've had so much going on and not enough money yet but I really am done. It's been 9 months and I just can't wait for this to be over. I just got a job and I will be saving for the cost of filing. He still keeps asking for more chances and telling me he's changed. :roll:
That's a really good sign that he hasn't, and I've heard it all before.Even if he did change, it's over. I hope he can change for his sake and our kids' sake. I have no desire to be married to him, I have no attraction to him. We are getting along as friends otherwise. I'm a good friend and he's turning out to be a better friend than husband. No wonder everyone likes him, they weren't married to him. Thanks for the advice.
Thanks for checking in and giving us an update. Sounds like things are going OK. I hope it works out for you and your children.
In the absence of knowledge or faith there is always hope.

Once there was a gentile...who came before Hillel. He said "Convert me on the condition that you teach me the whole Torah while I stand on one foot." Hillel converted him, saying: That which is despicable to you, do not do to your fellow, this is the whole Torah, and the rest is commentary, go and learn it."

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Roy
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Re: Priesthood and infidelity

Post by Roy » 04 Feb 2018, 12:42

I am glad that you are able to move on. I believe that God is with you and can subtly lead you towards a more fulfilling happiness. Good luck and God bless.
"It is not so much the pain and suffering of life which crushes the individual as it is its meaninglessness and hopelessness." C. A. Elwood

“It is not the function of religion to answer all the questions about God’s moral government of the universe, but to give one courage, through faith, to go on in the face of questions he never finds the answer to in his present status.” TPC: Harold B. Lee 223

"I struggle now with establishing my faith that God may always be there, but may not always need to intervene" Heber13

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