llamamama wrote: ↑21 May 2017, 06:11I intercepted some texts between my husband and another woman about a week and a half ago. It was a Thursday, and our oldest son was supposed to be getting his endowments on Saturday. Sadly, this ain't our first rodeo... He has been mostly faithful but I'm done and I told him that. There's too much history with his temper, his neediness, his addiction. So I was pretty quick deciding that it's time for divorce. I've prayed, I've felt very calm and resolved that this is right. Here's what's bugging me: last night he got a blessing from the same friend who gave me one after I found him out. He came home to tell me that the blessing basically said that if he can really change, recover, be the whole person, that he can have me back. He said he knows we need a separation but can I give him time? Another chance? He's had 21 years of chances. I'm done. I want to get on with my life. I simply don't feel like in some distant future, I could be with him again and it irritated and hurt that he felt like he could just walk in and put that expectation on me. The other thing that's really got me is when I spoke to a member of the Stake presidency. His first piece of advice was for me to get with my "DH" and have a heart to heart. He's been working out of town and coming home on weekends for a few months while we sell our house-we just got an offer and I was about to go look for houses- This church leader seemed to think DH would have an easier time being faithful if I were closer to him geographically... Right now I feel like it's ok for me to be walked on, emotionally dragged around, humiliated. Based on the blessing he got along with the sad advice that Church leader (don't know the acronym for stake presidency counselor), that there are some pretty pathetic expectations here. Any comments, advice? If this isn't super clear let me know. I'm barely hanging on. Why am I a member of this church?
I had some advice from someone years ago at work. She knew I was having marital problems, and she said "When it's time to get a divorce, you won't be upset about it". I asked for clarification, and she said that when you no longer feel you'll miss the person in your life, it's time to move on. Sure there will be angst associated with dividing up assets, issuess associated with separation, etcetera, but she was talking about the upset associated with no longer having the person in your life. If that part of it is not angst-producing, or you even feel kind of refreshed and rejuvinated with a fresh start, it's time to move on, she said.
That struck me as a good litmus test for when to pack it in. I've wondered if I should pack it in years ago, but I thought I would still miss my wife so it wasn't time to quit.
Regarding the SP counselor -- take what they say with a grain of salt. They aren't trained marriage or individual counselors, and they are in over their head half the time. Do what makes you happy after considering the full impact on yourself, any children, etcetera. As far as the blessing goes, that blessing does not dictate your behavior in this situation It may, nor may not have been inspired.
Finally, don't let the church run interference between you and happiness. Don't automatically make decisions for church reasons that you would others NOT make if the church influence was abset. Remember, none of the people in your Ward or your the leaders you interact with have much of a stake in your life. Think of the leaders you had 20 years ago -- how many of them are a force in your life now?
That's my advice. Let the pursuit of happiness be your guide -- what will make you happiest in this situation after considering all angles -- financial, emotional, self-respect, impact on others you care about....etcetera.