Marriage is taking a hit

Public forum for those seeking support for their experience in the LDS Church.
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Heber13
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Re: Marriage is taking a hit

Post by Heber13 » 11 Feb 2015, 23:24

Tim wrote:Getting divorce causes a lot more pain than you think. To you, your husband, and your kids. Not to mention the financial devastation.
I agree with Tim.

When I'm asked about it...the response I give others to consider is...

Divorce isn't a solution. It's a choice to trade one set of problems for a new set of problems. And you pay your lawyer heftily for it.

The solution is finding inner peace and happiness. The circumstances, staying married or getting divorced, is the surroundings you place yourself in while searching for happiness and fulfillment.

The analogy of marriage and church membership is still valid, IMO. There is no one "right way", as personal circumstances vary.
Luke: "Why didn't you tell me? You told me Vader betrayed and murdered my father."
Obi-Wan: "Your father... was seduced by the dark side of the Force. He ceased to be Anakin Skywalker and became Darth Vader. When that happened, the good man who was your father was destroyed. So what I told you was true... from a certain point of view."
Luke: "A certain point of view?"
Obi-Wan: "Luke, you're going to find that many of the truths we cling to...depend greatly on our point of view."

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LookingHard
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Re: Marriage is taking a hit

Post by LookingHard » 12 Feb 2015, 04:42

Heber13 wrote:
Tim wrote:Getting divorce causes a lot more pain than you think. To you, your husband, and your kids. Not to mention the financial devastation.
I agree with Tim.

When I'm asked about it...the response I give others to consider is...

Divorce isn't a solution. It's a choice to trade one set of problems for a new set of problems. And you pay your lawyer heftily for it.

The solution is finding inner peace and happiness. The circumstances, staying married or getting divorced, is the surroundings you place yourself in while searching for happiness and fulfillment.

The analogy of marriage and church membership is still valid, IMO. There is no one "right way", as personal circumstances vary.
That is where I am at also. I have read enough marriage help books and they all say that very thing, so stay and work on your current one. I have concluded that I can't be fulfilled with my marriage and I have no energy left to keep pouring effort to "fix" it. So I am just working to be happy and respect my wife as she is with zero expectation she will change. I have even told her I don't feel we have a celestial marriage and that in the life after I don't think I will "call her name" because she doesn't love me. She changed the subject.

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taletotell
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Re: Marriage is taking a hit

Post by taletotell » 20 Feb 2015, 09:55

Eternity4me wrote:I married my husband because of his testimony. Really. I had a spiritual witness that I should marry him. It was very powerful and still impossible for me to deny. I didn't feel all that attracted to him, but it was an experience that I could not deny happened. Fast forward to now. I don't feel the testimony I used to, so his testimony is much less important to me. In fact it can be irritating. I guess the bottom line is that now, I have almost nothing in common with my husband. He is so different from me, it is getting very difficult to live with him. We don't fight, we are just polar opposites. We have been married almost 10 years and I have a teenager still at home. She would be devastated if I left him. How do you put your marriages back together when you have a FC? It was okay when I felt I needed to have a priesthood holder in my home and needed that for my daughter, but now I don't feel the same needs. Any insights would be appreciated. It gets harder by the day.
Have you tried learning something new together? You could join a softball team or something. A common goal can really help you find the human in each other. How does he feel about your FC? Is he just biding time hoping you'll change? That would show a lack of understanding about who you are.

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LookingHard
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Re: Marriage is taking a hit

Post by LookingHard » 20 Feb 2015, 13:24

I know you are asking Eternity4me, but I can answer on my wife's feeling (at least what she has shared) on my FC is, "why do you even look at those things?"

Eternity4me
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Re: Marriage is taking a hit

Post by Eternity4me » 21 Feb 2015, 16:17

TTT, when I said polar opposites, I was completely serious. I love playing sports and being active, that is not his thing. If he spent all day every day on the computer looking at politics and posting on gospel subjects, he would be just fine. I want to be out and about if I can, and he doesn't have any desire to do that. I think he is hoping this will just go away. I asked him last week if he would leave me over my FC, and he said he would not. (I actually had a 24 hour period where I liked him and wanted to be close to him. That has been a while.) We don't talk about my FC because I think it makes him uncomfortable. I need to get past the feeling of disappointment that I married him because of a spiritual witness, and the fact that I don't really trust those as much as I used to. It has left me very conflicted. It seems to boil down to simply deciding to accept my choice to marry him 10 years ago. Either that or plan to live my life as a single person. I am not going to be married again. And let's face it, we can't have sex if we aren't married, so unless I plan to be celibate for the rest of my life, I need to be married to someone.

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