True Forgiveness

[nibbler]

Everyone says forgiveness is a lovely idea, until they have something to forgive.

Ain't that the truth.

This is a concept I've struggled with. One I think we all struggle with from time to time. I think at our core most people strive for justice. In a way, forgiving others can be like letting go of our need for what we feel to be just.

It's a delicate walk and I don't know how to put this into words. I'll try.

Forgiving people that are penitent is hard.
Forgiving people that aren't penitent is hard.
Forgiving people for a one time offense is hard.
Forgiving people for a truly heinous act is hard.

One category I've struggled with, and the one where I feel it's difficult to find a balance...
It's hard to forgive people when there are chronic issues. Not just one time offenses but a pattern of behavior that has happened in the past, and worse yet, patterns that you fully expect to extend out to the foreseeable future. You know the change isn't going to come, the offenses will continue but you have to dig deep to find a way to forgive... not just past incidents but future ones as well. Like you have to forgive a part of someone that will always be with them as opposed to forgiving a specific act.

I think this is where we get into the struggle; where the ideas of forgiving but not forgetting and the forgiving but closing yourself off from further harm come from. It's not easy. It's never easy. If there was an answer everyone would be doing it and it wouldn't be a struggle. It may take time, let it take time, it's supposed to take time, but continue to work at it.

[Roy]

I think this is where we get into the struggle; where the ideas of forgiving but not forgetting and the forgiving but closing yourself off from further harm come from.

For me forgiving is about moving on. It is about avoiding rancor, bitterness, and revenge.

Also it appears that not everyone naturally has the same ability to move on (resiliency).

[Curt Sunshine]

Fwiw, we are not commanded to forget everything we forgive.

That is a critical point that FAR too many people misunderstand.

[LDS_Scoutmaster]

It's hard to forgive people when there are chronic issues. Not just one time offenses but a pattern of behavior that has happened in the past, and worse yet, patterns that you fully expect to extend out to the foreseeable future. You know the change isn't going to come, the offenses will continue but you have to dig deep to find a way to forgive... not just past incidents but future ones as well. Like you have to forgive a part of someone that will always be with them as opposed to forgiving a specific act.

Fwiw, we are not commanded to forget everything we forgive.

That is a critical point that FAR too many people misunderstand.

Exactly. Forgiveness does not equal trust.

For me forgiving is about moving on. It is about avoiding rancor, bitterness, and revenge.

Moving on and letting go. Forgiveness is more for the forgiver than the forgivee.

[AmyJ]

One category I've struggled with, and the one where I feel it's difficult to find a balance...
It's hard to forgive people when there are chronic issues. Not just one time offenses but a pattern of behavior that has happened in the past, and worse yet, patterns that you fully expect to extend out to the foreseeable future. You know the change isn't going to come, the offenses will continue but you have to dig deep to find a way to forgive... not just past incidents but future ones as well. Like you have to forgive a part of someone that will always be with them as opposed to forgiving a specific act.

I have struggled with this as well. For me, this is where the principle of forgiveness blends into the principle of charity. I can choose whether to forgive and how to do so. It is charity when I no longer judge someone for what they are not able to do for whatever reason.

"Forgiveness is giving up my right to hurt you because you hurt me." Jan Karon.
"Charity is revising my expectations and improving understanding of you so that I understand and can take into account why you hurt me."

[afterall]

As someone who has had to forgive too much for one person in a lifetime, I have found one test for myself to check myself. You see, I have learned that some people are so wounded/defective/clueless, etc. that you must forgive from a distance....setting boundaries, not trusting them again ever after yet another terrible injury from them. So, my test for myself is this: if I see them on the side of the road, wounded, would I be able to rush to their assistance for that moment to help them? If I can say yes to that and know I really feel that in my heart, then I am okay with forgiving them their injuries to me or mine, as well as being okay with setting boundaries- even if it means keeping them at arms length.

[Curt Sunshine]

Thank you, afterall. That is deeply profound.

[DancingCarrot]

Amen to AmyJ and afterall.

AmyJ, your addition regarding charity provides another layer to consider. I love that charity helps to gain clarity about reality to help both you and the other person interact (or not, whatever the case may be) in the future. Charity is not some far-off ideal, but takes place in real-time.

afterall, I have also found your perspective to echo mine, especially as of late. Through my line of work in the healthcare industry, I have observed that some people really do not have some capabilities and will most likely not attain them while they are living. I have also learned that it is far better for me to set specific boundaries and enforce them so that our interactions don't devolve into trying to control each other or resentment. Asking the question "Would I help if they needed it?" sounds like a good litmus test to see how much hurt we're holding onto for the sake of making ourselves feel better or superior.