However, with my newfound disaffection, my comprehension of this feeling has been turned upside down. After months of just going through the motions and not really feeling much of the spirit in my life, now that I am having struggles with the church, I am having these feelings several times/day. I am confused, is this God trying to strengthen my lagging testimony, or is this God trying to get me to progress onto a new faith journey, or is this feeling something coming from just inside me?
I prayed about JS to again know if he was a Prophet. I felt the Spirit. Then I prayed about the new information I have learned about JS. I felt the Spirit. I prayed to know if JS was not ever a Prophet. I felt the Spirit. I prayed if the FV never happened. I felt the Spirit. I prayed if the Church was false. I felt the Spirit. I am now receiving answers from the Spirit contradicting everything I previously received answers about. To me, this appears that either God is/was lying, or these feelings must be coming from myself. I don't really want to believe that God is a liar, but it is also hard for me to believe that I have been supplying my own answers all of this time.
Perhaps most disturbing, I was contemplating human evolution and this quote by President Joseph Fielding Smith:
I questioned whether Jesus Christ was really needed in this world. I gave up long ago that Adam and Eve are a literal story, but I had failed to make the connection with Christ being needed to save us from the fall that never could have happened if Adam and Eve had never existed. I felt my mind open with clarity, my bosom filled with fire, and I was filled with the Spirit. I felt such light within me and joy spread throughout my body. I felt so good that I could not help but laugh aloud. I felt such freedom as the Spirit testified that there was no Christ. (Frighteningly, even as I type this the Spirit returns to me).for, according to this theory, death had always been in the world. If, therefore, there was no fall, there was no need of an atonement, hence the coming into the world of the Son of God as the Savior of the world is a contradiction, a thing impossible. Are you prepared to believe such a thing as that?
Now, to be clear, I don't take this to mean that God is telling me there is no Christ. I am not ready to abandon my Christian beliefs. Rather, I believe these feelings (as awesome and spectacular as they have been) must have been generated by myself and not have come from God. But this leaves me in the difficult predictament of no longer knowing how to receive spiritual manifestations. I have been guided by these "promptings of the Spirit" for my entire life, and now I cannot trust them to lead me to truth. I feel lost and without a compass to guide me. My spiritual compass is broken.
So my question is: how do you receive spiritual direction? Has it changed since you became disaffected with the Church? Is there anything more concrete I can use in my life than these feelings that I have been taught throughout my life are the spirit?